SSB

You know that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie reveals that her SSB - secret single behavior - is to stand in her kitchen eating a stack of crackers with jelly on them while reading Vogue? And she acts like it's the craziest thing in the world to do that, but it's her thing and she doesn't want to give it up because Aidan is about to move in? Well...I'd take stacked cracker eating over the SSB that goes on in my house any day.

It all started with your regularly scheduled weekend programming: Heidi Vacuums The House. The Attitude walked in and suggested I rearrange the sectional since one of the corners was looking a little worse for the wear and he "couldn't even sit there anymore". Talk about an injustice, what with THE ENTIRE REST OF THE COUCH to lounge on as another option.

But since I was already moving things around, I thought I'd just work my way down the line and assassinate some dust bunnies lurking underneath the furniture. I had no idea I was about to board the Gag Express, first stop Barfville.



Pretty unoffensive, right? Just a few renegade crumbs and a tangled extension cord. I've seen Applebees' dirtier than this. But then I took a closer look and ran outside screaming. Seriously I'm not being dramatic. The Attitude was outside and I was NOT about to let this go down without some sort of explanation.

What are those little specs, you ask?



Toenails. Just hanging out like a little village of Filth right beneath the mountain town of Dirty Baseboards.



There are no words. I mean...I knew The Attitude was gross, and I've learned to tolerate (most of) his weirdo behavior, but this is where I had to draw the line. Dis. Gust. Ing.

So I did what any sister would do. I documented the entire calamity and posted it on the interwebs.

Of course his response was to laugh and tell me that he puts them there to scare away the spiders. And I'll admit I've fallen for more ridiculous stories than that in our tenure as brother and sister, but come on. He wasn't even embarrassed! He embraced it like he had discovered some sort of awesome solution to personal grooming, like I was the dummy for inconveniencing myself by clipping my toenails over a trashcan.

When I finally stopped gagging I fired up the electrolux and erased the nastiness from the living room. Then I added "discovering hidden treasures behind the furniture" to my list of things that happen when you live alone.

Next time, I'll look for someone who has more...hygenic...SSB's.